Memories of Tony
by spoodle monkey
Summary: In a last ditch attempt to bring Captain America back, Tony trades every memory Steve has of him, for Steve's life. Tony/Steve
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own. If I did, Civil war would have been fairly different.

A/N- I'm finally writing Tony/Steve! Yay! So happy! So, this may spawn itself into a longer fic, I just kinda have to decide. Tell me what you think! Spoilers for the confession, civil war etc. Oh and spoilers for Dark Reign I guess? But nothing big. Just Norman being himself.

* * *

_It wasn't worth it._

It had never been worth it and as he looks back, he isn't sure how he had convinced himself that it would be.

He's supposed to beable to see the future but he couldn't have possibly seen this outcome.

He's a fugitive, hiding from Norman Osborne and the new laws; hiding from Osborne's new _Avengers_. And half the time he thinks it would just be easier to let them catch him.

The floor of the bunker is cold under his knees but he doesn't move, small box on the floor next to him and an even colder hand clutched in his own. It had taken a lot of planning, a lot of sacrifice, but if it works it will be worth it.

He's not who he once was. He hasn't felt that way in a long time. The civil war had pulled him apart, split him into two, and he hadn't been whole since.

_It's not working._ Tony feels a moment of panic churning inside of him. It has to work, they're so _close._

"What's going on?" Luke's voice is harsh and loud in the silence. It has taken him weeks just to stop the man from slamming the door in his face.

It should be working. He fumbles for the box single-handedly, refusing to release the hand in his grip. It _has_ to work, there are no other options.

"This is a bad idea." Peter quips from a dark corner somewhere. He's still convinced it's some sort of trap and refuses to be anywhere Tony may be able to see him. Tony understands and respects his decision, but wishes it never had to be that.

"We're fighting a losing war." Carol snaps at the others and then places a hand on Tony's shoulder. "It'll work."

He's not so sure it will now.

He's close to buckling, he can feel it. All of the misery and despair he'd tried so hard to keep beneath the surface is bubbling up now. He's reached his breaking point- he entered this plan prepared to give away _everything_, just to have the other half of him back.

"Tony." Carol breathes, surprised.

A soft glow lights up the room, chasing away Peter's hiding spot. It's a cold, harsh light, one bred of desperation and despair and the knowledge of what Tony is giving for this to happen.

He's giving away everything. It's only fair he supposes.

The light cuts out abruptly and Peter fumbles for the camping lantern they had brought along. The warm light doesn't reach the corners but it's enough.

For a long moment nothing happens. He holds his breath afraid that it was all for waste, that all they achieved was a miniature light show and that he's gotten everyone's hopes up just to let them down. They can't take that kind of loss again. He can't take it again.

The hand in his jerks suddenly. Peter yelps and they all crowd around, desperate for another movement, another sign.

Transparent skin changes colours, growing healthier. A shuddering breath escapes the still body and Tony releases his along with it.

He feels raw, emotions so close to the surface and doesn't care that he is _this_ close to crying in front of them all- but there's hope now.

His hand shakes as he reaches out, gently brushing blond hair back from still cool skin and blue eyes finally flutter open.

He'd made a mistake, all those months ago. A mistake he could not live with, one that had broken him in two and had changed him. In trying to protect those he cared about he'd lost the most important person to him.

And all it had taken to get him back was something small.

"Steve?" Tony asks gently. Hazy eyes flit from his face to Luke, then Peter, then Carol. A confused frown makes its way across the man's face.

"Who're you?" His eyes resting on Tony once again.

"You don't know who we are?" There is a hysterical note to Peter's voice. Steve rolls his head to grin reassuringly at Peter.

"I know who you are Peter."

"Oh." Peter still looks confused. "Then who were you talking to?"

Tony sighs, and meets the questioning blue eyes squarely, his best smile pasted on and shattering around the edges.

"My name is Tony Stark." He says softly and keeps his voice steady. There is no point calling himself Iron Man without the armor on and it will be a long time before he returns to the armor. "I'm with the West Coast Avengers." The lie falls easily from his lips.

Steve nods, satisfied with the answer and turns his head back to Peter and Luke. Tony ignores the looks he is receiving. The world needs Captain America. He _needs Steve_. For the moment he pretends to be okay with the fact that Steve doesn't know who he is and that it isn't tearing him apart inside.

And someday he will be okay with trading Steve's memories of him for Steve's life.

* * *

Reviews are love and spawn longer stories...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own...

A/N- so...I've decided to continue this story...cause I'm obviously crazy...I figure each chapter is gonna be pretty short, which hopefully means I'll end up updating more often! Yay! I figure the story is going to be pretty angsty at times, so you've been warned! But yeah- a happy ending is pretty much a must with me so it shouldn't get too bad? Anywho, I think I've rambled enough now so wish me luck and enjoy!

This chapter doesn't really have Steve, but he's mentioned...a lot. He's in the background...Oh, and Tony is doing that self sacrificing thing he likes to do so much...

* * *

In all the ruckus that follows their return to the base of the Underground Avengers (as Tony has dubbed them in his head), he manages to slip away unnoticed.

Or at least mostly unnoticed, he's pretty sure it was Peter that had followed him down the hall, only to stop once he realized Tony was just heading to one of the bed rooms. He certainly doesn't expect Peter to start trusting him now, not even with Cap's return.

He figures he has a few moments before everyone comes rushing in to demand answers, once they're done testing Steve and making sure that he didn't come back _tainted_.

That he didn't come back as some sort of servant to Tony.

Luke hadn't thought he'd heard that.

So, he has a few minutes to himself before they burst in demanding answers that he will have to give, if only for the chance to remain near Steve. For a little while at least. He cannot remain there long.

There's an old computer in one corner of the room, Extremis could hear it from the other room and while Strange has the building safe guarded with magic, Tony doesn't need it to reach anyone outside.

He opens up a connection quickly, lies down on the bed and lets himself go. Immersed in lines of code and information and alerts, he feels almost at home, almost like himself again.

There had been a brief moment, standing next to Carol, while everyone surrounded Steve when he walked through the door that he had felt at home. Like the old days, when his family had been the Avengers.

Those days are long gone though.

He breathes deeply through his nose and steels himself for what he's about to do.

There's a moment of dizziness and disorientation as he pulls a part of himself away, a part of his memories and hides them so deep within the old, never used computer, that it would take forever to find, if one didn't know exactly what to look for.

Then he throws as much protection and encryption at it as he can.

The computer makes a low humming noise and then goes silent and Tony continues to lay there for a little while longer.

Osborne will never find this section of his mind, of this he is sure. Surrounded by magic and people he still trusts after every thing that has happened, this part of him is safe.

But he still cannot stay much longer, on the off chance that Osborne figures out how to track him through Strange's magic.

"Tony?"

He peels his eyes open to blink blearily up at Carol. There's a worried frown on her face, so he forces himself to sit up and appear normal. These downloads take more and more out of him. Both literally and figuratively.

"Are you alright?"

He forces a smile, brushes his hair out of his face and adjusts his shirt.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

She raises an eyebrow and enters the room, closing the door firmly behind her. Arms crossed she stares him down and he forces himself not to fidget under her gaze.

"I thought you would still be in there with Steve." He says instead, standing and making to exit the room but she blocks his way.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

Tony sighs and steps back as Carol pushes him back over to the bed. Instead of towering over him like he thought she would, she takes the seat next to him. It looks like Ms. Marvel is just as tired as he is.

"So, none of us can figure it out," Carol glances over at him. "How Steve remembers every single one of us, except you. And I get this feeling that that is on purpose."

This is not a conversation he would want to have with anyone, but if it has to be someone, he supposes Carol is the best candidate for it. She's one of his oldest friends and has her own share of problems, so maybe this won't end in a screaming match.

"I made a trade." Tony rubs his damp palms on his pants and tries to decide how to phrase his explanation. "The world needed Steve," he _needed _Steve. "So I traded something small to bring Captain America back." And it had worked. He still can't believe it actually worked. Steve is _alive_.

"He has essentially no idea that you exist and you're okay with this?" Carol's voice rises as she stands. Tony feels the frustration swelling in him that he's suppressed throughout this entire thing. All those months of planning, of sneaking around and searching- of bargaining and selling his soul…

"Of course I'm not okay with it!" Tony realizes he's close to yelling and the walls are very thin. He would bet everything he has left that there is a crowd of people waiting outside of the door. He breathes, in and out, centering himself and reminds himself that it's all worth it. When he speaks again, his voice is subdued.

"I'm not okay with it, but maybe someday I will be." He runs a shaky hand through his hair and tries to ignore the disbelieving look he's receiving. "I brought Captain America back, Carol. I brought _Steve _back." He searches her eyes and tries desperately to make her see that even if Steve doesn't remember him it's all worth it, every single moment of it just to have _him_ back.

"Tony,"

"You don't know how much it hurt," He interrupts. He has to say it now or he'll never say it. "I- I didn't drink but I was so close, because it just didn't feel like it was worth it anymore." He knows Carol understands that feeling.

"And so I traded something small to bring him back." His hands close over his eyes and he tries to rub the tiredness and moisture out of them. "And this way, he doesn't have to deal with all the crap that comes with knowing me." Or with _loving _him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own.

A/N- this is me tentatively updating...because i think im finally over my writers block! woo hoo! so...there's tony/steve this chapter in a sense, some peter, carol and of course the others. oh and look- is that a plot i spot? i think it may be! so...here it is (it took me kinda long because i didnt want to leave it with just the first part. So i went and added two pages a couple of weeks later)

* * *

Tony hasn't needed a drink this badly in months.

He can literally _taste_ the whiskey. Can imagine the burn as it trails down his throat and settles in his stomach…

He needs to get out of there.

"-last known whereabouts were Chicago of all places, he was hiding out…"

He's barely paying attention as Luke fills the others in on another hero that has gone missing. It seems like every week another hero goes missing; it's been happening for about two months now and it looks like the Underground Avengers are no closer to finding the people then he had been. There's no question of _who_ is doing this, though.

Tony could be paying more attention, weighing in his own opinion, the plans he had been formulating.

He's watching Steve instead.

Steve who is listening with a frown, and still looking more handsome than anyone has the right to be, Steve who for awhile he thought he'd never see again, Steve who doesn't know who he is and has no idea he is being watched. Tony is cheating and has linked Extremis to the camera on his phone. One of the few things Extremis can still do with ease.

"So we'll check out Deadpool's tip, see if it pans out."

God, he needs a drink.

"How are we supposed to get inside?"

Tony tunes back into the conversation as Peter speaks up. Luke frowns and Tony realizes that he hadn't thought of that part yet.

"I mean, if Osborn controls that building now, then the security will be different. We can't just waltz in there and be like 'hey Ozzie, would you mind telling us where you're keeping your prisoners?' I've tried it."

Tony glances over at the blue prints laid out on the table top for the meeting he was invited to as an afterthought. He recognizes the building, he realizes with a sinking feeling- it's one of the buildings Norman had taken over from him.

"That is why we're sending in an expert." Carol interjects smoothly. She glances down the table and Tony really wishes he were somewhere else. The rest of the table follows her gaze and he resists the urge to sink down in his seat to disappear.

"I can't." He protests.

"It used to be your building." Carol points out.

Sometimes Tony really hates her; it's very rare though.

"Osborn probably changed everything." He protests weakly.

There are all kinds of reasons why he _cannot_ do this, such as Osborn catching him before he has the chance to finish erasing his mind and Extremis.

"You're still the most qualified person we _know_ for this." Jessica Drew pipes up, arms crossed and frowning at him.

And Cap is supposed to be on this mission. His welcome back to the world, busting into the bad guys layer and rescuing the people (they hope) that are there. The point is Cap will be there.

"Mr. Stark," Tony almost flinches but manages not to. He tries not to look, but his eyes are inevitably drawn to the patriotic hero sitting across from him. "As I understand it, the mission will fail without your help. If you truly consider yourself an Avenger, you won't sit this mission out for whatever reasons you think you have."

Determined blue eyes stare him down until he has to close his own, pinching the bridge of his nose to stave off the perpetual headache he seems to have developed. He doesn't even know if he has the skills to do this anymore. Not with all of the information he has been removing from his _head._

He's going to end up drinking by the end of this.

"It's Tony." He finally says.

He knows he shouldn't. He knows he needs to keep his distance, but it is _killing_ him to hear Steve call him Mr. Stark.

The table is silent when he finally reopens his eyes.

"Is that a yes, Tony?" Steve asks and something inside of Tony breaks.

"That's a yes." His reply comes out sounding hoarse, but no one calls him on it.

He just..._can't_ say no to Steve right now.

The meeting continues on around him.

After this, after the mission he'll move on. Go into hiding again and finish downloading his brain before he faces Osborn for a final time. Just one more mission with the Avengers, with Steve- he promises himself.

DI

"Hey."

Tony glances up from the coffee clutched in his hands, pauses and then grunts in greeting. He's been up all night, tossing and turning. He had just been unable to turn off his mind, to stop worrying about what could go wrong. He'd been eyeing the toaster and trying to decide if he could take it apart and put it back together before the others got up, just for something to do.

The sun is barely up but Cap still looks awake and refreshed.

"Is that all you're having?" Steve frowns at the coffee Tony has curled protectively in his hands as he wanders around the kitchen.

"It's all I need." Tony mutters. He hunches further over the beverage, as though Steve would take it away, but even the old Steve never stole his coffee. A Steve that doesn't remember him has no reason to.

Tony takes a long drag from the mug and grimaces around the cold liquid; apparently he's been sitting there longer than he had thought.

He watches- head tipped down slightly so it looks like he's studying the paper- as Steve pokes through different cupboards, searching for something. After a moment he steps back and drops a plain bagel into the toaster, pushing it down and then leaning against the counter with his arms crossed.

"Out of sesame?" Tony asks before he realizes what he's saying.

Steve gives him a confused look, lips twisting down into a slight frown.

"How did you know I was looking for sesame?"

Tony freezes and panics momentarily.

"You just look like a sesame bagel kind of guy." Tony covers quickly, offering a strained smile.

Then it hits him; he knows what type of bagels Steve likes, he just doesn't know _how_ he knows.

"Are you alright?"

Steve is suddenly in front of him, worried frown replacing the confused one and Tony really just wants to make him smile.

"Yeah," he waves it off, pushing thoughts of bagels out of his head. "Just…tired."

Steve grins at this and sinks down into the chair across from him.

"You don't seem like the kind of person who enjoys getting up early."

Tony goes to take a sip of his coffee, remembers it's cold and promptly puts the mug back down. Steve watches the entire thing with what can only be described as amusement.

"I'm more of the 'doesn't sleep for a few days' kind of guy." Tony admits, a grin making its way across his own face. This feels…nice. Like the old days. The normalcy of it all makes him want to cry. "Before all of this," he gestures around the kitchen but really means everything that has happened in the past two years. "I'd spend days working on…projects and I practically lived off coffee."

He remembers Jarvis always sneaking in when he was too caught up in the armor to notice, to fill up one of the various coffee pots; he remembers Steve dragging him away when everything started to blur together in front of him from days of staring at circuitry.

"Yeah." Steve nods, but he's staring blankly over Tony's shoulder.

Tony cranes his neck, looking for whatever it is that has Steve's attention, but there's nothing there. He turns back, watching Steve slowly blink, almost like he's trying to…trying to remember…

"I know I should be surprised to find you two up already but somehow I'm not." Peter quips as he appears at the doorway.

He sends a cautious look in Tony's direction, and then heads straight for the coffee pot.

Steve snaps out of his trance to turn and smile fondly at Peter, before turning back to Tony.

"Sorry," He smiles sheepishly. "What were we talking about?"

Peter glances between the two of them, clutching a mug of fresh coffee to his chest, unreadable expression on his face.

"Nothing important." Tony shakes his head, standing to empty his mug. "Just coffee."

DI

Tony stares at the armor spread out on the bed.

He hasn't worn his armor since finding the Underground Avengers, hasn't needed to. Now he's going to have to put it on.

It's one of his more simple designs, for him at least. The make is a couple of years old, back before Wanda and Clint.

He knows that the second he steps out of the room wearing it, the others are going to notice and start to ask questions. He's not sure he's ready for it.

Two or three more of his downloads and he won't even be able to use this armor, he'll either have to build another suit, less advanced, or find someway to down grade his current armor.

The problem is, is that the others will notice.

There are gaps in his mind already; he needs to do another download, get rid of some more information, just in case Osborn does get a hold of him, but at the same time, it could compromise the mission. What good is he if they get there and suddenly he can't remember how to override the lock?

"Almost ready to go?"

Carol pokes her head in the room and spots the armor on the bed, her gaze hardening. She glances back into the hall, and then slips into the room, closing the door behind her.

"Is that…?" She trails off, eyes glued to the armor.

Tony crosses his arms defensively and shrugs.

"Tony," She rounds on him, taking two steps across the room until she is toe to toe with him. He has two inches on her but it means nothing now. "What the hell is going on here?"

He forces himself not to shrink back from her gaze.

"Nothing."

"Like hell it isn't." She snaps. "This is your old armor; you're not jumping at the chance to bring down Osborn; what's going on?"

He shouldn't tell her, he really shouldn't. It will just make things that much more complicated.

As he opens his mouth to tell her that there's nothing going on, it all begins to slip out. And he finds that once it has started, he cannot stop it. Part of him wonders, as she makes him sit on the edge of the bed, if this is a side effect of downloading parts of his brain. He could blame it on that.

But as she wraps an arm around his shoulders, choosing to just listen instead and get angry at him later, he knows it's a moment of weakness, and that maybe he can't do this all on his own.


End file.
